BREAKING NEWS: Blinken does not call for both sides to de-escalate; Borrell does not call for an independent investigation.
The world stood in shock this morning at the news that US Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, did not call for both sides to de-escalate, after Hamas terror boss Ismail Haniyeh passed away in his sleep in the early hours of this morning. Instead, Blinken said only that it was important not to speculate on whether kissing the new Iranian President can result in your vaporisation just a few hours later. Such speculation can prove devastating for the social life of the new Iranian President, who has a heavy few weeks and months of pressing-the-flesh, so to speak, ahead of him. Parallel speculation has it that Blinken did not call on both sides to de-escalate because, as far as is officially known, there is only on side in this incident: Hamas/Iran. Responding to questions about why he has not yet called on both sides to de-escalate, Blinken admitted, "To call on both sides when there is only one side would steal the limelight from Kamala Harris, who needs ownership of every bit of crazy talk right now."
More alarmingly, Vice-President of the European Commission, Josep Borrell, has at time of writing (UTC 14:10:33) not yet called for an independent investigation into Haniyeh's death, and is not responding to either phone calls or emails, fuelling speculation that he might still be at the scene of the assassination of Hezbollah football-rocket mass murderer Fuad Shukr in Beirut last night. There was consternation in the Lebanese capital after the slaying of Shukr, when Borrell was seen blocking the police from conducting an independent investigation. It is said that, on being asked about why he has not yet called for an independent investigation, Borrell went cross-eyed, started speaking in tongues, and a flame spontaneously ignited on the top of his head. The term "independent investigation" has since been submitted to Whoopie Goldberg for classification as a trigger word. When asked for comment, Borrell's wife, Cristina Narbona, said only, "My husband has gone a bit off independent investigations, for now. Please respect our privacy at this difficult time."
Meanwhile, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was seen jumping up and down on the roof of Haniyeh's house, fist in the air, screaming, "Bring back my CDs, you thieving Zionist bastards!" while his security details on the ground, instead of preparing to catch the tottering Supreme Leader, were deeply engrossed in working out how many degrees of separation lay between them and Haniyeh. Just then Khamenei received a text message from Antony Blinken: "I continue to believe that diplomacy —[Redacted]
Picture credit:
Khamenei.ir, CC BY 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=85664538